Torn

I think...university is like living in a bubble, where everything is more intense than "real life".

I feel like...I haven't quite landed yet.

This seems like...being on a carousel that I can't get off, but am not sure whether I want to get off anyway, or stay on for the ride.

I wonder...why ALL the good choirs hold their rehearsals on Monday evening.

I feel happy that...my course looks great- I can't wait to get my teeth into my modules (I won't be saying that when it's 5AM and I've been up all night frantically writing an essay).

I feel sad that...I've let my music go and the music side of Durham is not as good as I thought it would be (or is it just that the JRNCM and the Hallé Youth Choir are hard to live up to??)

I worry that...I'm going to lose my musical identity.

I want...to discover a new side of me, the side that is tough and resilient and can talk to anyone. The side that is up for anything. The side that accepts 'oh well, that's life' when I don't get something I want, instead of feeling that every rejection is a personal blow from which I'll never recover (typical Perfectionist trait). The side that is going to study Mandarin; the side that socialises without restraint or embarrassment; the side that will push for writing an article for the student newspaper; the side that enables me to enter a crowded room alone and still make conversation with anybody. Yet, I feel anguish that this discovery and unfurling of a new aspect of my personality means that I as a whole am changing. I want to go forward, but I clutch at my old, comfortable, familiar personality as a child does with a comfort blanket.

Overall, I feel...like Durham was a good choice, but why is evolving and growing as a person so overwhelming?