My mind is chocked full of questions. Uncertainties. Dilemmas. Who am I? Am I losing myself? Am I getting the most out of uni? What do I want? Should I take a year abroad in the 3rd year? Who are my friends? What, or who, do I most value? Am I ready for a relationship right now? Am I turning into a shallow person? What is love? What is attraction?
I hoped that this break would clarify the confusing tangle of- well, I was going to say relationships (friendship and romantic) at uni, but I think it's just uni in general.
Instead I've thought and thought about it until it has become an obscure, indistinct mess in my mind.
I don't know which way to turn.
I just don't know.
I feel like putting my fingers in my ears, singing loudly and blocking it out. But I can't. Because the problems aren't external: they're in my head- the problem is, fundamentally, me.
It's been a huge transition. Everything in my world has changed. Nothing is constant. I've been transplanted from one world to another. All my friends are different; the course is completely different; I'm in a strange new part of the country; I'm having to fend for myself without any parental support; I've met more people in the shortest time than I ever have done before in my entire life. And it's good- much as I love home and it's been really great to see my family, I'm champing at the bit to get back. I'm independent now; I'm an adult. So it's not surprising that things internally have changed.
But I'm concerned. Concerned that I've changed too much. And I'm desperately clinging onto the last vestiges of the old OctoberPoppy that remained. There's not much left of me. I still don't feel like the uni self is me. I don't feel like a woman although, at almost 19 (on the 16th) and self-sufficient, I know that I am. I'm a woman. No longer a girl. The change in terminology is minute. The implications are enormous. With one last act and the old, innocent, OctoberP is completely gone. A memory. Eradicated. Part of me feels ready for the leap. But part of me is panicking. That part of me doesn't want to go back to uni; doesn't want a boyfriend; doesn't want to have to be self-reliant and grown up.
Why can't I just trust?
Leap off the bridge, eyes shut, dive in, have faith that it will all turn out ok?
Why can't I trust in the fact that I've done the hard bit- I've got through the first term at university and now it should all be downhill?
Why am I still in denial?
Why do I still feel like a scared little girl and not an adult?
Moreover, when the transition is complete and I emerge, fully fledged woman, how will I know?